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Oh, how quickly they grow! One minute we’re tying their shoelaces and kissing scraped knees, and the next, they’re taller than us, speaking a language filled with slang, and replying with one-word answers. As grandmothers, it’s natural — we want to stay connected, show our love, and maybe sneak in a bit of advice here and there.
But here’s a little truth that’s hard to admit:
Sometimes, the very things we ask — with the kindest intentions — are the very things that make them pull away.
Let’s talk about some of the topics our teen grandkids secretly wish we’d tread around a little more lightly (or sometimes, skip altogether).
1. “So, do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend yet?”
Nothing gets a teenager squirming faster than this question. Even if they are dating someone, they may not be ready to talk about it — or they might worry we’ll tease them or make it a bigger deal than it feels to them.
And if they’re not dating anyone? The question can make them feel like they’re missing out or falling behind.
Love will bloom when it’s ready. Let’s just be there to celebrate (or comfort) when they’re ready to bring it up on their own.
2. “What are you going to do with your life?”
At 16 or 17, most teens genuinely have no clue what they want their future to look like — and that’s perfectly normal! Asking about their future plans too often can create anxiety they don’t yet have the tools to manage.
Instead, we can encourage their passions with small, simple questions like, “What are you enjoying learning about these days?” It keeps the door open without making them feel like they have to present a five-year plan at every family gathering.
3. “Why don’t you spend more time with your family?”
We miss them — terribly sometimes — and it’s so tempting to let that slip into our conversations.
But teenagers need room to grow independently, and pulling on those family ties too tightly can make them want to cut loose even faster.
Rather than guilt trips, a simple text saying, “Thinking of you today,” or a funny meme we know they’d love keeps the bond strong without adding pressure.
4. “Are you gaining (or losing) weight?”
No matter how well-meaning our comment might be, anything about a teenager’s body is touchy territory.
They’re already under tremendous pressure from friends, media, and the mirror itself.
Instead of commenting on size, shape, or even health habits, let’s shower them with compliments on things that truly matter:
“You have the kindest heart.”
“Your smile lights up the room.”
“You’re becoming such a strong, thoughtful person.”
Those are the words that stay with them.
5. “Why do you dress like that?”
From ripped jeans to baggy sweatshirts, neon hair to dark eyeliner — fashion has always been a teenager’s way of saying, “I’m finding out who I am.”
When we comment too sharply on their appearance, even if it’s just a wrinkled nose at a torn pair of jeans, it can feel like disapproval of them, not just their outfit.
A better way? Smile warmly and say, “I love that you’re not afraid to express yourself!” (Even if inside, we’re wondering if they got dressed in the dark.)
6. “Don’t you think you spend too much time on your phone?”
Believe me, many of us grandmothers aren’t wrong — kids today are glued to their screens! But phones are their world: their friends, their laughter, their news, their creativity.
Instead of outright criticizing it, we can invite them into shared moments:
“Teach me your favorite game.”
“Show me your funniest TikTok today.”
Connecting through their world often works better than trying to pull them out of it.
7. “Why don’t you post more about your family online?”
It’s natural to want to be proudly displayed on Instagram or Snapchat — after all, we think the world of our families!
But for teens, social media is often about presenting a certain image to their peers, not broadcasting family life.
Trust that their love for us isn’t measured by how often they post about us.
It’s measured in the quiet hugs, the inside jokes, the random text that simply says, “Love you.”
8. “When are you going to grow up?”
Teenagers are in that messy middle ground — no longer kids, not quite adults.
They’re figuring it all out, even when it doesn’t look very graceful.
When we ask this, even teasingly, it can make them feel like we don’t see how much effort they’re actually putting into growing up. Let’s remind them instead:
“You’re doing a wonderful job becoming your own person.”
They need encouragement far more than they need lectures.
9. “Why don’t you look happier?”
Teens aren’t unhappy because they’re rude or ungrateful.
Sometimes they’re just tired, stressed, worried about things we don’t even know about.
And sometimes — they’re just… thinking.
Instead of worrying about their face, let’s keep offering them a safe space. The more we accept them in their quiet, serious moments, the more likely they’ll come to us in their joyful ones too.
10. “Why aren’t you more like your brother/sister/cousin?”
Comparisons are almost always painful.
Each grandchild has their own strengths, weaknesses, dreams, and timelines. Even if we mean well, hinting that one should be “more like” another can make them feel unseen or like they’re disappointing us.
Let’s celebrate who they are:
“You’re carving your own beautiful path.”
A Loving Final Thought:
Every teenager is a whirlwind of emotions, changes, and discovery.
And honestly? Sometimes they don’t even understand themselves — much less explain themselves to us.
What they need most from us as grandmothers is the same thing they needed when they were three years old — unconditional love, patience, and someone who believes in them even when they’re at their most confused or cranky.
Instead of diving into uncomfortable questions, sometimes the best thing we can say is:
- “I’m always here if you need anything.”
- “There’s nothing you could ever tell me that would make me love you less.”
- “I’m so proud of you, no matter what.”
Because no matter how tall they get, how much they roll their eyes, or how often they seem glued to their screens, one thing remains true:
Our love will always be a safe harbor for them.
And that — more than any conversation — is what they’ll remember and treasure the most.
