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Let’s sit down for a moment, just us grandmothers. We’ve lived long enough to know that family life isn’t always smooth sailing. There are ups and downs, quiet worries, and those moments when we bite our tongue during a holiday visit because we just wouldn’t do things that way. And that’s okay. Differences between generations are natural. But one thing we must always be mindful of is how we talk about our grandchildren’s parents—especially when those little ears are listening.
Whether we’re talking about our own children or the people they married, our words carry a special kind of weight. We may mean well, or even think we’re just being funny or honest, but children absorb more than we realize. What sounds like a casual remark to us can stick in their hearts for years to come.
So today, let’s remind ourselves of the things our grandchildren should never hear us say about their parents—because no matter how right we feel, our words should never be the reason our grandchildren question their love, respect, or loyalty to their parents.
1. “Your mom/dad doesn’t know what they’re doing.”
Now, we’ve all had that thought at least once. Parenting today looks very different from how we did it. But saying this out loud sends a harmful message: that their parent is clueless or incapable. Our grandchildren need to feel safe and confident in their home lives, and if they hear us poking holes in their parent’s abilities, that security can start to unravel. Keep your thoughts kind—or keep them private.
2. “When I was raising your parent, I did it better.”
Let’s be honest—maybe we did do some things better. But maybe we didn’t. And either way, our job now isn’t to compare. It’s to support. Children don’t need to hear about how their parent “falls short” compared to how things used to be. They need encouragement and reassurance that their family is doing just fine, even if things are done differently now.
3. “Your mom/dad is too strict with you.”
Even when we feel that a rule is too harsh or unnecessary, it’s important not to undermine it in front of our grandkids. When we label a parent as too strict, we encourage resistance instead of understanding. If there’s a genuine concern, have a private conversation with the parent—not a whispered comment over cookies with the grandchild.
4. “They spoil you too much.”
Children don’t need to feel guilty for being loved generously. And when we say things like this, we risk turning their joy into shame. Whether their parents are lenient or just deeply affectionate, your role isn’t to question it—it’s to celebrate the love being poured into them, even if it looks different from your style.
5. “I told your mom/dad not to do that, but they never listen.”
This one might feel like venting, but it’s actually quite damaging. It tells the child that their parent ignores wisdom and doesn’t take advice from those who care. It sows seeds of doubt and creates a false narrative that your way would have worked better. Save this talk for a trusted adult friend—not your grandchild.
6. “If I were in charge, things would be different.”
Well, sweetheart, we’re not in charge anymore—and that’s okay. That season has passed. This kind of statement can make children wish someone else were leading the home, which isn’t fair to their parents or to them. Instead of creating comparison, show how proud you are of their parents for taking on the tough job of raising a family.
7. “Your mom/dad is being ridiculous.”
Even in moments of exasperation, using words like “ridiculous” makes children feel like their home life is something to laugh at or disrespect. Humor is healthy, yes, but only when it doesn’t chip away at how a child views the adults they depend on most.
8. “I don’t understand why your parents even do that.”
It’s okay not to understand—but it’s not okay to say that out loud to the child. Saying this puts their parents’ choices on trial and makes the child feel like there’s a mystery or mistake at the core of their household. Our goal should be to validate the child’s experience, not question the rules of their home.
9. “I wish they hadn’t married [name]
.”This is one of the most hurtful and confusing things a grandchild can hear. No matter how you feel about your in-law, that person is your grandchild’s parent. Speaking negatively about them can damage your relationship with both the grandchild and the parent. Even subtle jabs like “Well, we all make choices…” can leave lasting scars.
10. “Don’t tell your parents I said this.”
Even if it’s something you think is small, asking a child to keep secrets creates confusion and guilt. It encourages them to hide things from the very people they should be most open with. It also breaks trust, both with their parents and eventually with you. If it’s not something you’d say out loud in front of everyone, it’s best not to say it at all.
11. “You get that from your mom/dad—and not in a good way.”
Our words have power. And saying a child “got” something negative from their parent—whether it’s a bad habit, stubbornness, or anything else—implies there’s something wrong with them, or with their parent. Even as a joke, these remarks plant doubt and shame in places where there should be pride and connection.
12. “Your dad/mom used to be such a headache growing up.”
Yes, we love telling stories. And yes, some of the tales from when our children were young can make everyone laugh. But be careful not to make their parent sound irresponsible or foolish in the eyes of their child. If you tell the story, wrap it in love and end it with a note of pride or growth—something like, “But look at them now—such a wonderful parent to you.”
So, what should we say?
We should say things that build, not break.“Your parents love you more than you’ll ever know.”“They’re doing their best every single day, and I’m proud of them.”“Families are all different, but one thing’s the same—love lives here.”“Even when they’re tough on you, it’s because they care more than you realize.”As grandmothers, we hold a sacred role. We’re the keepers of stories, the warm lap to crawl into, the extra cookie giver, the steady presence that says, “You are safe, and you are loved.” Let’s use our words to nurture, to lift up, and to preserve the unity of the families we helped create.Because at the end of the day, it’s not about being right or having the final say. It’s about making sure our grandchildren never have to choose who to trust or who to believe.Let’s choose our words wisely, dear friends. They are listening—and they are learning how to love from how we do it first.
