As grandmothers, we step into a role so deeply defined by love, wisdom, and nurturing that it can be easy to lose sight of how the world—particularly our grandchildren—perceives us. We dedicate ourselves to supporting their dreams, easing their worries, and cheering their victories. Yet, amid all this giving, it can sting to realize they might only see us as Grandma—not as the multi-dimensional individuals we truly are.
It’s not their fault, and it’s certainly not ours. Many factors contribute to why grandchildren often struggle to see their grandparents as people beyond their roles. With a little insight and effort, we can gently guide them to see and appreciate the full, vibrant selves we’ve always been.
1. The Role is All They’ve Ever Known
To our grandchildren, we’ve always been their grandmother. They’ve never known the young woman we once were—someone who juggled career aspirations, friendships, or perhaps even rebellious phases. To them, we’ve always been the steady, loving presence who’s there for holidays, birthdays, and special moments.
Grandchildren often forget, or perhaps never consider, that we had entire lives before their arrival. We’ve experienced love, heartbreak, failure, triumph, and growth. But because they entered our lives at a stage when we’re firmly grounded in the role of Grandma, it’s hard for them to imagine us as anything else.
What We Can Do:
Share our stories. The next time we’re baking cookies or sitting together, we can sprinkle in tales of our younger days. Talk about the time we stood up for ourselves, fell in love, pursued a passion, or even made a funny mistake. These glimpses into our past can show them that we, too, once navigated life’s twists and turns as they’re doing now.
2. Society Puts Grandparents in a Box
Our culture often paints grandparents as simple, one-dimensional figures: the wise and loving elders who exist to guide and support younger generations. While there’s undeniable beauty in this portrayal, it overlooks the complexity of our lives.
This stereotype is reinforced in movies, books, and even casual conversations. Grandparents are rarely depicted as individuals with unique dreams, hobbies, or struggles—they’re usually portrayed as doting supporters of the family. Children and even teenagers absorb these societal messages, which can shape how they view us.
What We Can Do:
Surprise them with our individuality. Show off a unique hobby or interest they might not expect. Whether it’s gardening, a passion for rock music, or mastering a new technology, allowing our personality to shine can challenge their assumptions about who we are. For instance, letting them see us playing a video game or dancing to a favorite song might leave them delightfully astonished!
3. They Don’t Think to Ask About Us
Let’s face it: kids are naturally self-focused. Whether they’re 7 or 17, their world often revolves around their own experiences, friendships, and challenges. It’s not that they don’t care about us—they simply may not realize there’s more to know about the person who always seems to have all the answers.
In many families, the dynamic often places grandparents as listeners and advice-givers, not as people to be asked about their own passions, struggles, or thoughts.
What We Can Do:
Model curiosity in our conversations. We can ask them thoughtful, open-ended questions about their lives, dreams, and feelings. Then, we can share our own experiences that relate to their stories. For instance, if they mention struggling with a friend, we might say, “That reminds me of when I had a falling out with my best friend in high school. It taught me a lot about forgiveness.”
By gently weaving our experiences into conversations, we show them that our lives are as rich and layered as theirs.
4. We Hide Our Struggles
As grandmothers, we often want to be a source of stability and comfort. That might mean we shy away from sharing our struggles, fears, or challenges. While it’s natural to want to protect our grandchildren from our hardships, it can also make us seem invulnerable or even unrelatable.
The truth is, life has thrown its fair share of curveballs at us. But when we gloss over these struggles, we deny our grandchildren the chance to see us as resilient, resourceful individuals who have overcome difficulties—just as they must learn to do.
What We Can Do:
Show vulnerability in age-appropriate ways. We don’t have to burden our grandkids with heavy details, but sharing a challenge we’ve faced or an obstacle we’ve overcome can show them the strength in imperfection. For instance, telling them about a time we worked hard to save money for a goal or overcame shyness to make a friend can be empowering for them to hear.
5. The Age Gap Feels Intimidating
To a child or teenager, the idea of decades of life experience can seem like an unbridgeable divide. They may think, “How could Grandma possibly understand what it’s like to be me?” This can lead to a subconscious distancing, where they only see us through the lens of age and authority rather than as kindred spirits.
What We Can Do:
Find shared interests that close the gap. Bonding over a favorite TV show, working on a puzzle together, or even letting them teach us something—like how to use a new app—can show them that we’re not so different after all.
Another tip? Try sharing stories about when we were their age. Hearing that we once felt awkward at a school dance or struggled to figure out what we wanted to be when we grew up can remind them that we’ve been in their shoes.
6. We Play It Safe
Sometimes, we might stick to safe, predictable topics in conversation or activities because we want to stay in our grandchildren’s comfort zone. But playing it too safe can reinforce the idea that we exist solely to fulfill the role of supportive, unobtrusive Grandma.
What We Can Do:
Don’t be afraid to express opinions, take a stand on something, or even engage in a little friendly debate. Respectfully disagreeing on a topic—like why we prefer one movie over another—can add depth to our relationship. It shows them we’re not afraid to share our thoughts and be our authentic selves.
7. They See Us Through Their Parents’ Lens
Before our grandkids met us, they probably heard about us through their parents’ stories. If those stories were limited to how we helped babysit, celebrated holidays, or baked the best pies, it’s no wonder they might think of us as little more than Grandma the Caregiver.
While these stories are lovely, they don’t always capture the full, nuanced people we are.
What We Can Do:
Take charge of our narrative. Look for opportunities to share who we are directly with our grandchildren, rather than relying on secondhand impressions. For example, instead of waiting for our son or daughter to share that we once ran a small business, we can tell our grandkids how much we enjoyed running it and what we learned along the way.
Bridging the Gap: Becoming More Than Just Grandma
Helping our grandchildren see us as whole people doesn’t mean stepping away from the role of Grandma—it means enriching that role. By sharing more of ourselves—our stories, passions, and even struggles—we invite them to build a deeper, more meaningful connection with us.
It may take time, but the rewards are worth it. Imagine the joy of hearing your grandchild say, “Wow, Grandma, I never knew you were such an amazing artist!” or “I had no idea you traveled so much when you were younger!”
We are not just grandmothers. We are individuals who have loved, learned, and grown. Let’s share that richness with our grandchildren, so they can see and celebrate the incredible people we’ve always been.