When Choosing One Grandchild Means Disappointing Another

Your two grandchildren, 11-year-old Maya and 9-year-old Ben, both have something important happening on Saturday afternoon.

Maya is performing in her first school play. She has been practicing for weeks, and every time you see her, she reminds you, “Grandma, you’re coming, right?” You promised her you would be there.

Then Ben’s parents call. His soccer team has unexpectedly made it to the championship game, which happens to be at exactly the same time. Ben is thrilled and tells you, “Grandma, this is the biggest game I’ve ever played. I really want you there.”

There’s no realistic way to attend both.

Your heart sinks. You love them equally, and you know that whichever event you miss, one grandchild may feel disappointed.

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There are few things more uncomfortable for a grandmother than feeling as though she must “choose” between two grandchildren.

We want each grandchild to know, without question, that they are loved. So when two important moments collide, it can feel as though attending one child’s event automatically sends a message to the other: You mattered less today.

But that doesn’t have to be the message at all.

In fact, situations like this can teach grandchildren something important about love: loving people equally does not always mean treating every situation exactly the same.

Option A: Go to Ben’s championship because it may never happen again

At first, this may seem perfectly reasonable.

A championship game is special. Ben’s team may never make it this far again. Maya, on the other hand, may participate in another play someday.

But there is an important detail here: Grandma already promised Maya she would attend.

To Maya, this may not be a question of whether a championship is more important than a school play. It may be much simpler: Grandma said she would come.

Children pay close attention to whether the adults they trust keep their word. Breaking a promise because something seemingly “bigger” came along can unintentionally teach a child that commitments are conditional.

There’s another danger in comparing the importance of the two events. What seems more significant to an adult may not feel that way to a child. Maya’s first performance could feel every bit as enormous to her as Ben’s championship feels to him.

So although choosing Ben is understandable, it overlooks the importance of the commitment already made to Maya.

Option B: Let the grandchildren help decide

This sounds democratic, doesn’t it?

You might imagine saying, “I love you both, and I simply cannot be in two places. What do you think I should do?”

But this places an emotional burden on the grandchildren that really belongs with the adults.

Imagine Maya saying, “Grandma promised me first.”

Then Ben responds, “But this is the championship!”

Suddenly the children are competing not only in a play and a soccer game, but for Grandma’s presence.

One child might even surrender: “Fine. Go to hers.”

But that doesn’t necessarily mean the child is fine. Sometimes children give in because they don’t want to appear selfish or because they sense how uncomfortable the adults are.

Grandma can listen to both children’s feelings without asking either child to decide whose needs should come first.

Option C: Attend neither event so everything stays equal

Oh, I understand the temptation behind this one.

If choosing one child will hurt the other, perhaps choosing neither seems fairest.

But equal isn’t always the same as fair.

Skipping both events avoids making a difficult choice, but now both grandchildren lose Grandma’s presence. Worse, Maya may reasonably wonder why Grandma didn’t honor a promise simply because Ben had an event too.

Fairness in families rarely means dividing our time with mathematical precision.

One grandchild may need more attention during a difficult school year. Another may need Grandma’s help while a parent is traveling. One might have three concerts this year while another has only one.

Grandchildren don’t need a perfectly equal number of hours, hugs, phone calls, gifts, or attended events. What helps them feel secure is knowing that Grandma loves them consistently and treats each of them with care and respect.

Option D: Keep the original promise while making Ben feel important too

This is the best response.

Grandma can say something like, “Ben, I am so proud that your team made the championship. I wish I could be there cheering for you. I already promised Maya that I would be at her play, and keeping my promises is important to me. But I want to hear everything about your game afterward, and I would love for us to do something special to celebrate.”

Notice what Grandma isn’t saying.

She isn’t saying Maya is more important.

She isn’t saying theater matters more than soccer.

And she isn’t telling Ben that he shouldn’t be disappointed.

She’s simply honoring a commitment while making room for Ben’s feelings.

That last part matters enormously.

When a disappointed child says, “But I wanted you at my game,” adults sometimes rush to make the feeling disappear: “Oh, don’t be upset. You know Grandma loves you!”

But Grandma doesn’t have to talk Ben out of being disappointed.

She can say, “I know. I would be disappointed too if I really wanted someone there.”

That simple acknowledgment tells him, Your feelings make sense to me.

Then Grandma can create another point of connection.

Perhaps she asks Ben’s parents to record part of the game. Maybe Ben comes over afterward and gives Grandma the full play-by-play over ice cream. Grandma might even make a little sign saying, “Congratulations, Champion!” and have it waiting for him.

The activity itself isn’t the most important part.

The message is:

I couldn’t be in two places, but I didn’t forget about you.

Love doesn’t always look equal

One of the quiet challenges of having several grandchildren is accepting that sometimes our choices will disappoint someone we love.

We cannot attend every recital, game, birthday celebration, school program, graduation, and special moment—particularly when grandchildren’s lives overlap.

Trying to prevent every disappointment can actually make these situations harder.

Instead, we can give grandchildren something more lasting: reliability.

When Grandma makes a promise, she tries to keep it.

When circumstances prevent her from showing up, she explains honestly.

When a grandchild is disappointed, she listens rather than becoming defensive.

And when one grandchild receives something another doesn’t, she doesn’t automatically rush to “even the score.” She looks at each relationship individually and keeps nurturing both.

Over time, grandchildren can learn an important truth from this.

Grandma’s love isn’t measured by whether she sat in the theater or stood beside the soccer field on one particular Saturday.

It is measured in hundreds of moments: the phone calls, the listening, the laughter, the promises kept, the interest she takes in their lives, and the way she makes each grandchild feel known.

So when you find yourself caught between two grandchildren, don’t ask, How can I make this perfectly equal?

Ask instead:

How can I handle this with honesty, fairness, and love?

Sometimes you will still have to choose.

But choosing where to be doesn’t have to mean choosing whom to love.